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Okay, flatulence seems to come up quite a bit in various comments but I'm not sure there's actually ever been a thread started.

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  • Okay, flatulence seems to come up quite a bit in various comments but I'm not sure there's actually ever been a thread started.

    Okay, flatulence seems to come up quite a bit in various comments but I'm not sure there's actually ever been a thread started. Yes, it can be annoying but it also can be helpful, as in getting the relative who has overstayed his/her welcome (or worse, his/her entire family's welcome) gently on the road to the next destination. Also useful for sending that obnoxious member of every hunting camp home early. A day or so of real stinky, noisy farting is perhaps the first step (step #2 = pick up a really mean dog and bring it home for a day or two respite from the animal shelter). So, my question is ... what is your best proven method of artificially manufacturing farts? Do you go for noise or aroma? Which seems to have the best effect and why?

  • #2
    Learned this by accident when I was doing my BA at Missoula more than thirty years ago. March of my final year I was running tight on funds but the horses were out of hay. So I had to buy a ton and of course at the end of winter prices were high. But if it comes down to the horses starving or me they win every time. The authorities will lock you up for starving your horses but no one really cares if you starve yourself. After stocking their barn it boiled down to only enough left in the budget for either milk or beer for my beverages. Well, when you're young and single at college that's a no-brainer! But Cheerios without milk ... not so good. I tried water. Yuk. So what the heck, I poured some beer on my toasted O's. Not too bad actually. Until about 45 minutes later. Good gawd! I lived in a basement apartment and I was seriously thinking about blowing out the furnace pilot light! Worst part is I had a small grad level seminar class to go to that evening. One of those classes where everyone wants to talk just to hear themselves. And usually endlessly! Often not a break in the action for three hours. Plenty of breaks that night though. :-)

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    • #3
      Oh, I should mention, the really wicked thing about those General Millser Lite bombs was that they were totally silent. Hilarious to watch all those pretend wannabe sophisticated scholars eyeballing each other every time I cut the cheese.

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      • #4
        The basic chemical composition of farts is hydrogen sulfide, with varying amounts of nitrogen, hydrogen, carbon dioxide and oxygen, depending on the digestive system of the individual(s) emitting the gas and the food products consumed.
        In some consistencies, it can be flammable, and its effect on humans inhaling it include nausea, dizziness, unconsciousness, respiratory failure and death.
        OMG!

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        • #5
          I will have to defer to the wisdom, expertise and experience of others in this matter. Even though I consider myself a confirmed old fart, the only real occasion of excessive aromatic indiscretion was the result of overindulgence in strong (and really good) onion soup---thought I had a volcano in my bowels and experienced some of the symptoms 99explorer listed, but not the respiratory failure and death---at least if I did, nobody told me and my handbasket is still waiting for me.

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          • #6
            Not quite on point, but OHH's tale reminded me of a similar event during my education. The night before an important final, I found myself with a severe case of can't-get-of-the-pot-itis. It was some combination of the bad diet, too much coffee, stress, too much nicotine, and general voodoo that comes with finals week. Regardless of the exact cause, after a sleepless night, I made sure to take the seat closest to the restroom when I showed up for that final. It is amazing the focus you can muster when you are genuinely afraid of crapping yourself in a public place, lol. I think I finished a full hour before the rest of the class and made straight for the nearest commode!!

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            • #7
              I've heard it all now.....

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              • #8
                99, when the parts per million of H2S reach fatal levels, the human nose refuses to register the smell so you can not smell it coming.

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                • #9
                  Thanks, Santa. Seems I remember something to that effect from my university biochem classes. So, let's see ... next time I'm combing my hair in the Walmart restroom and I see a Mexican-looking fella leaving a stall and I don't smell anything ... run for the door?

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                  • #10
                    Greenhead, did you pass? The exam, I mean (no doubt you did NOT pass the nearest commode).

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                    • #11
                      OHH, Right! Do to the fact that at one time I was working on compressors in oils fields and chemical plants, I had to take a survival class on hazardous gases. When I asked the instructor what grade I had made on the course, he said that if I was still alive ten years after the course, I passed his final test. Oh and by the way, I had to learn industrial CPR where you always stuck a finger in the downed person's mouth and removed the wad of chewing tobacco before administering mouth to mouth resuscitation.

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                      • #12
                        You mean you have to try to make noise and smell? I thought that happened all by its self, everyday.

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                        • #13
                          I did pass, actually, but as I recall, it wasn't one of my better grades.

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                          • #14
                            www.youtube.com/watch?v=LaDjjNph4-Y
                            The part I am intending y'all to watch starts at 4:25, but not watching the rest of it also would be a travesty!

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                            • #15
                              OntarioHonker,
                              Seek professional help immediately!!

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